enough already with the "functionality"
jeez, what is it that makes people say these things? business talk is usually scary silly. functionality? look at this:
Apple’s fourth-generation iPod features song shuffling from the main menu, as well as Calendar, Games, and Alarm functionality.
no! it’s like they couldn’t resist. try this small change:
Apple’s fourth-generation iPod features song shuffling from the main menu, as well as a Calendar, Games, and an Alarm.
just terrible, right — losing that great word? “alarm functionality”! people are nuts. we also have “best practices”, which is a ridiculous way of saying “tips”. i think the worst part of “best practices” is that it suggests there are other people somewhere just as seriously condoning “half-assed practices”. oh, but we got a leg up on ‘em, because we use best practices here — here at the Center for All That Is Right with the World.
a big one for geeks is “form factor”. if some “F” must be used, “form” alone would often suffice. but that’s usually buzzy too. it’s inaccurate to say “i like that gizmo because it has a smaller form factor” when you mean “i like that gizmo because it’s smaller.” needless and strained form factors junk the internet.
that’s the part that points to a darker side of trendy terms; people go out of their way to use them — sometimes so far that they don’t make sense. it can signify worse tendencies toward conformity, inattention, and insecurity. i’ve been in some meetings where i’m sure people scanned the room as they took their first stab at a rising buzzword. watching how they spread can give useful information about who you’re working with. who heard it for the first time in a meeting and then tried to use it like a pro? who hesitated? oh, it’s rich.
of course, there’re “talking points”, and “task force” and “shop” (department) — as in “we handle that in our shop”, right before we “grow our business”, “grow our sales”, “grow the economy”, and “grow our customer base”. not sure who’s to blame for such garden talk (transitive verb in inanimate context, as barbara wallraff writes), but the first time i noticed, it was coming out of bill and hillary clinton. that’s reason enough to oppose. this guy seems to agree. this guy, a worthless yapper who apparently saw being there too many times, does not.
“enterprise”, like “we need this throughout the enterprise”. enough said.
here’s somebody’s list, but it doesn’t have the all-time dreaded word from the last 10 years or so: oxymoron. ugh! [040726 13:00 — now it does. i emailed her this morning and she added that and "talking points" already. quick.]
find posts like this annoying, do ya? stay far away from this site then.
[btw, you may have noticed, or been bothered by, how i punctuate around quote marks. it's intentional. more on that later! heeyaaaaaa!]
May 25th, 2011 at 17:14
[...] fucking idiots. you are not the state. the state is not you. therefore, all state edicts are fiat. too difficult to wrap your conditioned pea-brains around? naturally, such tools leap to “oxymoron” to signal that they’re butt conventional. [...]