red flags in online dating (weird male perspective)
i’ve tinkered with online dating since ’98, and present these observations for the edification of all women who are pretending to look for a great guy.
first, do your best to hide that you’re shortsightedly selfish (my informal term of convenience for selfishness that doesn’t recognize wealth is created through exchange, not unilateral taking), until the guy’s at least been hooked through your skirt. a brief skim of ads shows that some women are merely advertising explicitly for some dumbass to worship them and be victims of sex addiction or worse. typical response to “what i’m looking for in a match”: “someone who will laugh at my jokes.”
yeah, i’ve been with some of those women who need a man to laugh at their jokes. you will spend much of your time patching up her insecurities while having yours walked over with abandon. any answer to the “what i’m looking for” question that doesn’t somehow imply mutual respect is a danger sign.
ladies, do you want to keep your potential date from throwing up before he closes your profile? a few pointers:
- don’t tell us you’re “eclectic”. show us. a woman who tells you she’s eclectic is more than likely pretending to be (for what the hell that’s worth anyway).
- as comfortable in jeans as you are in an evening gown? why should i give a fuck when i’m reading that exact construction for the 287th time? well, at least you didn’t mention “the kennedy center”. oh, that’s because you’re in new york. ah, now i see it. guggenheim. yes, sorry. and there’s the jeans to tux requirement for your date. have fun.
- when you mention about 5 times how “annoyingly smart” you are, we’re probably back to wannabe territory.
the dirty secret of many women is that they’re deathly afraid you’ll find out that all their straight-A activity from high school and college adds up to them being entirely lost in life. want to see the look of fear? bust some “annoyingly smart” chick on a date after she’s tried to pull an intellectual power play. the usual result is that the relationship almost instantly transforms to you being her professor, and she “can learn so much from you”, and you’ve wasted another evening. the blowjob she’ll offer later will be followed by her worrying vocally if it’s as good as all the previous blowjobs you’ve received.
“honey, the only bad blowjob was the one i didn’t get. but perhaps you should go again, just to keep your edge.”
that reminds me of a classic story of honesty and women. i’d known this girl for a month or so who worked at a food court near my job. we’d just spent the evening at a hotel — our first sexual adventure. she was cheating on her out-of-town boyfriend, and it was clear we were only having fun. i didn’t have a girlfriend.
we’re in the bed talking, and she says, “so, are there any other girls at the food court you’d like to do?”
stupid me, with the understanding between us that obviously i’m not the only guy she’s interested in sexually, says, “well sure. there’s that young girl at the salad place. she’s cute. and…”
she listened to me without interruption, except for some subtle cues that i should continue, eagerly soaking up every last possible sexual interest at the food court with a receptive look on her face. i thought nothing of it, since i was very happy to be in the bed with her, and not hoping that one of these women i mentioned were with me instead. after recalling about 8 girls, i said, “i think that’s it.” i almost had the impression she was interested in helping me get laid; we were clearly a casual thing.
instant volcano, of course! and she got a volcano back for setting me up with this innocent sounding question that was really just a trap, or an attempt to hear me lie. was i supposed to ask her if she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend? what would have been her “correct” answer?
okay, that’s my little diversion story.
last, and most important, ladies: nobody cares if you’ve read the da vinci code.
December 12th, 2004 at 13:48
It’s truly a terrible world when the girl you are fornicating with and cheating on her boyfriend with doesn’t have the proper manners when she is having her first bedtime conversation with you. Dude, you are misogynistic and fucked up.
December 12th, 2004 at 15:55
i’d enjoy hearing how i’m “misogynistic and fucked up”. and ID yourself, pussy. we know i’m “dude” now, but who are you? don’t even bother trying to explain how i was “cheating on her boyfriend”.
btw, i’m pretty sure i know who wrote that. if i’m right, you won’t have the balls to say who you are.
June 8th, 2007 at 15:19
im 23 female and sexy and attractive..easily deal with different people here is my email add.. shane_park83@yahoo.com or shane_park83@hotmail.com..im online righ now, add me..lol
June 8th, 2007 at 15:40
shane_park83@yahoo.com
as i do with most comments that appear to be spam, i googled part of yours. found this ad text associated with your email address:
“Wanted:real man to respect and accept me for who I am,treat me w/passion and respect!”
pretty much a “someone who will laugh at my jokes” deal, as i wrote. can’t nail it as spam though, so it stays.
November 4th, 2007 at 00:38
Well first, I’d say it’s definitely a two way street when it comes to some of the things you’ve mentioned. For example “prince looking for princess” or “I’ll treat you how a lady should be treated,” all meaning “I’m the man and have to be in control at all times.” And that’s aside from all the physical and mental attributes that many people lie about on a daily basis.
I’m not gonna say I was a fan of the crude delivery, but an opinion is an opinion, and there was definitely some truth to this one.
November 4th, 2007 at 01:26
thanks. i’d like to hear more of those from the fem side.
been lied to before meeting online dates, and i never did get the point. dunno about guys, but it’s common for women to downgrade themselves to reality only just before you meet in person for the first time. though i guess it works in the short term (met and had sex with a few of them), i never forgot their scam beginnings.
November 4th, 2007 at 12:27
A lot of people get lied to, I’m not saying it still doesn’t make you feel like crap to have it happen to you, but it still happens.
But from a female standpoint, I’ve also had a lot of guys say things to me only to find out that, at the slightest resistance to anything they suggest, you never hear from them again despite all their assurances of how “into you” they really are. And they cling to the lie until the very end, getting what they want or if they don’t, making it her fault that it didn’t work out.
Females either take that one of two ways. They either become very submissive in false belief that this will end up making some guy fall in love with them, OR they go the complete opposite direction and make it extremely hard for anyone to get to know them because they’re sick of getting told they’re not good enough aka becoming a huge bitch.
Of course there are variations to each side, but for the most part those two seem to be most common. I think people should be real all of the time and not fake it, but do I understand why they lie sometimes? Yeah.
Real people are scary…it means they have a personality of their own and some people just can’t deal with that.
November 4th, 2007 at 14:57
feel comfortable sharing specific examples of slight resistance that put off dates?
was really into my last girlfriend… until i wasn’t really into her anymore. learned too much about her, and also had my sexual curiosity sated. sexual curiosity will forgive a mountain of disorders.
my biggest problem in relationships is seeking out women who’re better looking than me. better looking women who find me attractive are generally &mdash not always — neurotic. now when i see the first signs of definite neuroses, i attempt a clean, honest break. sadly, that appears to be the worst thing you can do with psychos. worked okay with the last one though, which surprised me — only one week of stalker-style phone calls. she wasn’t better looking than me though.
November 4th, 2007 at 21:48
Usually something like questioning something they’ve said such as ‘what the hell does married but looking mean’ or being unresponsive to stories about the ‘ex gf’ and ‘one time I was so wasted.’
It’s never fun to be stalked, but did you ever think maybe it’d be different if you looked more for substance than appearance? I’m not saying look for the elephant man, but is there anything else you look for in a woman aside from ‘she’s better looking than I am?’
I think sex can only substitute for so many things before it just doesn’t work anymore…well at least that’s how I feel…not that most agree with that. And I’m still single so what the hell do I know right? Just seems a little disconcerting to me that that’s the main focus. Like buying a car because it looks nice and the seats are comfy but not checking to see if there’s an engine inside.
And I’m not saying you weren’t clear about the break up stuff, but a lot of times males and females interpret things very differently. So what may have been absolutely clear to you may have been not so clear to her. I don’t know the whole situation though so I’m sure I could be wrong.
Just another view I guess. And what does ‘learned too much about her’ mean?
November 5th, 2007 at 00:50
the ex stories reveal plenty, especially when it’s obvious they’ve not left those waters.
i’ve looked for women based more on substance than looks before. if she’s not pretty good looking, that can bring problems as well though. hell, even the hottest i’ve dated were insecure about appearance. must be a female disease. one of my favorite girlfriends — super smart, funny, independent, etc. — was so hostile about her looks that it was hard to get around.
i quit looking for women over a year ago. now if i run into one i’ll give it a shot, but my expectations are down near zero. at my age (44), the available ones tend toward the undesirable. just not worth the bother. after two major stalking incidents (was very clear that it was over), i bought a throwaway cell for my latest and never gave her my real number.
when i say i learned too much about the last one, i just mean i got through the sheen, to the dull lunatic underneath. nothing there for the long haul. not for me anyway.
November 5th, 2007 at 23:47
Fair enough, that explanation makes sense. And I dunno if I’d necessarily call it a “disease” persay, but there’s usually a lot of pressure when it comes to how females look.
The problem is for the most part women look to the opinions of men to tell them how they really look instead of having the confidence to think they look good and not care what people say. Due to one incident or another where someone made some kind of rude comment or they were overlooked for someone with better hair or bigger boobs etc.
For example today I stopped at the grocery store and some kid made some kinda comment about my ass because I wouldn’t buy raffle tickets from him. I didn’t quite catch all of it, but needless to say it was enough to make me a little self-conscious about what I was wearing the rest of the day.
It shouldn’t bother you…but for some reason it does. Then after a while it just seems more reasonable to believe insults then comments because you’re always suspicious that someone is being sarcastic. Stuff like that is a HUGE problem for me, so I can understand why you’d be frustrated as hell about it…but I also understand how a woman could feel that way. I’m trying to make an effort to be less concerned…but old habits are hard to break.
I’m sorry you feel that way about relationships, although my outlook isn’t much better and I’m 25. Everyone says it’s always when you give up that you find someone…it’s real easy to say that though when you’ve already got someone so I think they’re full of shit.
That’s just one person’s perspective though, so I guess take it for what it’s worth. Sorry it’s so long, I feel like I’m writing a book every time I respond.
November 6th, 2007 at 00:15
even as a guy i get pissed off at the bullshit pressure foisted on women and their appearance. i think the padded bra, now apparently almost required for some women, is a disaster, taking the often stellar femininity of a woman with smaller breasts and removing her shape altogether in foamy, material clutter.
pick almost any major actress generally considered drop dead beautiful, and at IMDb there’ll be at least a couple of “butt ugly” threads. people are insane.
as a musician, i learned a lesson long ago that helps insulate from criticism. i’m a big prince fan, and i’d done a demo of a corny pop song i wrote for a local girl singer. was intended only for her to get an idea, and i’d sung her part in falsetto (high voice kinda like a girl — as prince often does). a woman i was recording heard it and obviously thought it sucked. okay, no big deal, but it does tend to carry with it a pronouncement weight.
a few weeks later she walked in for a session and i was playing prince over the monitors. she had kind of a “this sucks” smirk on her face, and asked, “is that you?”
that’s when it hit me. i love prince. millions of people love prince. this woman didn’t. and while it’s objectively true that my performance wasn’t anywhere near prince quality, she wasn’t even thinking in those terms; she heard something that turned her off, and it was the same sorta turnoff prince triggered in her as well. should prince be bummed out about that? well then neither should i.
that also taught me that the same applies for people who laud your work. just an opinion.
so, onward to your ass. i was killing time in DC a few months ago and was hanging out near a street performer, shooting the shit with some african dude who’d just gotten off work. we started comparing favorite asses of girls walking down the street, and it was a real surprise to me; while there were matches here and there, his favorites were women i’d just as soon have nothing to do with. appearance and taste is just crazy.
type as much as you feel like. i’ve never understood the online trend to consider anything beyond a sparse paragraph or two “long”. far as i know, there’s no character limit on blogger comments, and i don’t impose or expect any either.
November 8th, 2007 at 01:10
You definitely make some good points about different tastes. I guess though that if everyone liked the exact same thing a whole lot of us would be very lonely people. That’s why amateur porn is the best, it’s all real ;-) haha.
I think some of the reason people are so critical of looks is because a lot of times they’re so concerned about their own, it almost makes them feel better if they can pick out flaws in someone who isn’t supposed to have them. It also prods smaller chested women to believe they need heavily padded bras in order to attain the perfect form. As well as fuller figured females to diet/starve or surgically “repair” themselves in order feel attractive.
If the attitude doesn’t change though, not much is gonna help. A relationship is always gonna be a challenge and a bit of work, but it shouldn’t always have to be a constant uphill battle over whether or not someone’s looks are above or below average. It’s why low self-esteem and depression are such huge issues now. How can you ever be happy about anything if you’re never happy with yourself?
You know, I’m actually kinda glad I decided to comment way back when, because by just reading that blog you wrote, I doubt I would’ve ever suspected you were so insightful. Not that I’m trying to be insulting or anything, it’s just some people have an opinion and that’s all they have with no real reason why they think that way other than the ever popular “because I said so.”
November 8th, 2007 at 02:23
yeah, amateur porn tends to rock, especially for guys like me who favor real breasts. you’re also more likely to see real female orgasms with less phony “oh god oh god oh god” all over the place.
i guess being an obviously alien-looking dude has kept me free from the “must find flaws” school of looks criticism, sorta the way my disastrous hair might be responsible for my chick hair fetish. chicks and hair — OMFG. ha!
even though the star of the show’s hardly ugly in real life, Ugly Betty‘s done a good job of putting a regular-shaped woman in a star role. the pilot had her in bondage gear for a quick modeling scene, and they let it all hang out. nice. might be a pivotal moment in TV history.
on your reaction to my blog post, that’s the usual deal here and everywhere i write. i’m insecure about plenty of things, but my intelligence isn’t one of ‘em. from what i’ve seen, most people on arguing forums adopt a formalized mix of language i’d characterize as half chickenshit, half stick up the ass. never fools me, but its absence does tend to mislead, probably because confident stupid people often sound similar to confident smart people. touched on that subject briefly in a post about those who favor all-lower-case writing. assumptions can be damned dangerous.
November 9th, 2007 at 02:27
Yeah all the fake moaning is definitely a turn off not to mention a tease. There’s a whole lot of noise but you know that she’s really not enjoying it. And the real orgasms for both parties does it for me. Looks like fun instead of an act. Chick hair fetish? You might have to explain that one a bit. Not quite sure if you mean head hair or body hair.
I definitely did see that episode of Ugly Betty. It was kinda sad though, her boss letting it get that far and all. And yes they did let everyone get a view. I didn’t think she looked all that bad though from what I remember.
Sometimes though it’s hard to tell whether or not they do it for shock value or if they’re really trying to make a good point. Because the last episode I saw that secretary girl gained like 100 lbs. too and all they did was make fun of her I think.
Yes assumptions are very dangerous and people make them all the time, it’s almost inevitable. You just have to know not to take them at face value until you know the facts. There are a lot of people who don’t realize that though, which I think is where the confident stupid people fit in. I work with a few people like that and they’re so quick to pick out faults in other people without realizing they’re ten times worse.
And I did check out that other article. I guess I’d fall into some of the categories you’re talking about, but in my defense even though I’m an anal speller, I can usually tell if someone is on the level or not even if they do suck at punctuation, grammar, spelling etc. So I try to reserve my judgement until after I’ve spoken with them a little. I’m not gonna change how I am, but at the same time I’ve never asked anyone to change either.
So I get the point you were trying to make, but everyone’s got a pet peeve right? Although maybe I should save it for those people who send out mass e-mails with updates about their lives that no one cares about. Something to think about I guess.
November 9th, 2007 at 02:55
my chick hair fetish is of the sort where i can see a woman in line at a store, and my breathing pattern changes noticeably just looking at her hair (probably because i’m saying, “mmmmmmhh” or something similarly creepy). some women just nail the hair dead center. being a hair disaster, i can sympathize with those who don’t, but it doesn’t change the immediate, involuntary reaction to drop dead hair.
hair’s just the start. i’m one of those sick bastards for which every female body part’s potentially a fetish, and i’m not a shave-insisting dipshit like 95% of men these days. if my girlfriend doesn’t want to shave her legs, pits, whatever, i truly couldn’t care less. frankly, i get bored with the overdoing of pussy shaving in the last 10 years. i can dig that women do it for swimsuits, but the “oh god her big bush is so gross” affectation starts to piss me off. lemmings.
yeah, the UB where amanda had a fat ass… kinda stupid. and you’re right to be skeptical of their motives. i think they had a rough start to season 2, but it’s back on track, IMO (big UB fan, as you probably figured).
do you have a web site? i clicked your profile a while back and it was hidden. throw out your URL if you write somewhere.
November 9th, 2007 at 19:59
Well I don’t really write anywhere and don’t have a profile on my gmail seeing as how I don’t use it that often really. I do have a blog on myspace and briefly had one on msn live spaces, but there’s maybe like one worth reading and it was only because I was really pissed off one day.
It makes me sad to know that the percentage of males who can’t stand female body hair is so high, as I hate shaving pitts and legs and have never, and will most likely never, shave the bush. It’s so uncomfortable when the leg hair grows back I can’t even imagine how irritating it’d be when that started to. I’m with you on this one though, people get way too hung up on being clean shaven. I’m all for a guy with chest hair and then some north or south ;-).
And as for your hair fetish, believe me I’ve heard a lot worse and more disturbing. Besides, I guess I’m odd, but the more about me someone finds attractive/erotic whatever the more likely I am to be that way about the other person…I’m sure there are some exceptions to the rule, but generally that’s the case. Everyone’s got something that just turns them on like nothing else…it happens.
Yeah I can tell you dig the show a bit and I used to watch it quite a bit myself but sometimes work just gets in the way. It definitely sends a better message than most shows on the prime time line up, but sometimes as the seasons go they end up ruining shows. I used to be an avid watcher of Grey’s Anatomy and then it just got ridiculous.
Anyhow, like I said, I don’t really have a ton of blogs or anything, but here’s my myspace URL if you’re feeling adventurous:
myspace.com/julesatc13
November 9th, 2007 at 21:25
figures you’d have “the hair”. velly nice! don’t tell me you smell great too; could put a hitch in our conversation, or at least slow me down while i’m formulating lies to help get you in the sack. har har.
yeah, i read your blog. hard for me to relate to the complaints, since i’m not a normal guy. when it comes to argument, sticking it out for long discussions, i can outchick pretty much any chick. and it will stay rational. most women loathe that, since it seems to be a common entitlement women expect; they can be part-time logicians (on offense), then retreat to “feelings” when you say, “okay, let’s play the logic game!”
more i think about it, i suppose it takes very little difference between the sexes to fire up conflict. pretty weird thing spending most of your time with one other person. break the strength of the sex tie, and maybe people would relax. but who wants to do that?
November 9th, 2007 at 23:26
Hmm well sorry to bust your bubble, but I usually always get comments on my hair smelling good, and usually a few on my perfume (when I can afford to buy it that is). As far as formulating lies…I have trust issues to begin with so usually the truth is hard enough for me to believe let alone having the patience to sift through all the bs. I usually perfer blunt and to the point honestly. Doesn’t mean I don’t like to hear compliments though ;-).
As far as the arguing goes, yeah it’s true I won’t even try to defend it. Women definitely like to feel smart and like they have the upper hand in an argument, because lets face it, 9 times out of 10 it’s not like we’re gonna win a fist fight. The problem is when we feel we’re getting bested we tend to revert back to what we know will work, usually tears.
Personally, there have only been 3 people who’ve made me upset enough during a discussion to cry and they were the exceptions, because if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s tears especially in an argument. Because no matter how right you are as soon as the water works start it’s always your fault. Although it is similar to a guy who loses it and resorts to a lot of name calling.
This is not to say I don’t have my moments of frustration when someone is just killing me in an argument, but usually a good discussion tends to rev me up.
I think most times the reason for conflict is that people refuse to compromise or see a different view on anything. Don’t quite understand the concept of give and take. If it even gets that far. Sometimes if you break that sex tie there’s really nothing there to hold it together. Other than occasionally people are together because it’s easier then being alone. Which is a load of crap if I ever heard one. Yes being alone sucks, but I’d rather be alone then settle into a relationship that was stagnant.
It’s worth the wait to find someone who may push back when I push them, but when the shit hits the fan I’m not left cleaning up by myself. If that makes any sense.
By the way, I do have all kinds of instant messenger stuff, so if you ever wanna just shoot the shit sometime let me know. If not I’ll just keep leaving responses here.
November 11th, 2007 at 18:19
hair smelling good
figures.
i’ve now a cartoon crush based on hair — colette from Ratatouille. doesn’t hurt that i’ve always found janeane garofalo (voice of colette) to be doubleplus hot (less the socialistic dipshit part). well, they didn’t fuck around rendering that character’s hair. the whole movie looks crazy good.
i don’t use any IM products anymore, but slap me an email to saltypig at this domain and maybe i’ll find something compatible that doesn’t load 500 tons of dreck on install. could be fun. AOL is definitely out though. never again.