a good rant is a thing of beauty
some of my favorites at People You Hate IV:
-Chatty Caf Worker- All I wanted to do was go to the counter and order a goddamned plate of ziti. This shouldn’t take to long. It is not as if there is much science behind scooping up a pile of gooey noodles and slopping them down on a plate, is there? Then why did it take five minutes, you ask? Because of the Chatty Caf Worker, that’s why. This idiot will stand behind the counter, spoon in hand, and carry on lively conversations with his/her fellow workers while you stand there like an asshole with an empty tray. After about five minutes they will turn to you, look very annoyed, and say “whatcha want.” They will then act as if you have caused them some major inconvienience by asking them to simply do their (easy) job. Oh my, I’m so sorry I had to interrupt your thrilling story about how your kid got in a fight at preschool. It is just that I am FUCKING STARVING! Shut your big, fat, dumb mouth for five fucking seconds and give me my goddamned ziti, you dumb fuck…I Hate You!-The Proud Puker- “Holy shit dude, last night I puked, like, 7 times at the bar. And then, when I woke up this morning, I puked, like, another 3 times in my garbage can. And then I puked all over my science book…” SHUT THE FUCK UP! Wow, I’m so impressed by your inability to hold down alcohol. What a talent! This dirtbag knows exactly when, where, and how many times he puked on any given night. That’s fine, but I don’t understand why he thinks I am interested in this knowledge. Does puking a lot make you cool? No, it doesn’t, it makes you a loser. Yet, the Proud Puker still feels like if he tells me about all his vomiting I’ll be impressed. Hey asshole, I don’t care that you puked, I don’t care how much you puked, and I don’t care where you puked, so shut your sour-milk-smelling mouth. Puking is not something to be proud of you dumb shit…I Hate You!
-Reader Katie J. really hates: People that walk around campus using their cell phone as a walkie talkie – that “two-way” bullshit. Ok, I’m pretty sure if you want a walkie talkie you can go to WalMart and buy one for like $20, but instead you dipshits buy an expensive cell phone (which by the way is an UPGRADE IN TECHNOLOGY from the walkie talkie) and then feel the need to subject everyone around you to your lame ass conversation. I HATE YOU
-Reader Andrew W. really hates: The “I have a friend who”- These people can’t make it through a conversation without making a reference to some friend back home. Sorry if I’m not as good as your friends back home, and I can’t do a 360 dunk in basketball, drink 30 beers in one sitting, leap over buildings, or other superhuman feats. But I’m here damnit and I’m a human being. Show some respect for humble folk like me. You can go flying around the worlds with you extraordinary friends during school breaks, and maybe even suck each other’s dicks if you get a chance. I hate you.
-Reader Amanda B. really hates: that girl in my english class who overpronounces her Ts and wears really short pants. She also says “believe” so it rhymes with “queef.” Hey ass clown, your fucking half assed attempt at making a comment could take half as long if you wouldn’t insisttttttt on enunciatttting every damn consonanttttt. You also need to buy some pants that fit your short chubby little frame, you fat douchebag. I hate you.
-Reader Anna D. really hates: The Fake Sick Shitter: throughout the course of college I have learned something about girls and shitting. Whenever one of my roommates takes a really gross crap they always come out of the bathroom and let out an exaggerated sigh/moan, as if to imply that the smell of their shit isn’t just because their shit stinks, but because they are sick. And if you don’t ask “what’s wrong” they wait approx. 10seconds and then say something like “I am never eating pizza from there again.” I just want to shake the shit out of them and let them know that they aren’t fooling me! Their shit just stinks. Quit lying you smelly bitches…I hate you.
LMAO