the IDIOT

last fall, somebody in my house decided to bring home a “free” bird. this bird, a quaker parrot we were told was 4 years old, was a mess. obviously maltreated, it was defensive and hostile. when i first tried to pick him up, he bit the living fuck out of my finger. those beaks are like industrial machines.

being a curious sort, and ignorant regarding birds, i decided to help this mess, which somehow was named “lucky” (not sure who did that). i tackled the internet, and in about a week knew much more and could get by. within a few days i’d bathed him and clipped his disgustingly long nails, which it seems may have brought on his mobility problems — maybe permanently. found out from the band on his leg that he was really 11 years old. also heard later that he’d been treated like shit at his previous homes. apparently, he was used as amusement by kids who thought it was funny to give him alcohol and watch him pass out. heats my blood just thinking about it. if i went back in time and saw one of those fucks doing that to my bird, i’d be tempted to pound him into blender material. became very attached to lucky, but knew i couldn’t give him a long term home.

if anybody reading this is thinking of getting a bird, please understand that they are a significant commitment, and many of them end up being ignored and mistreated, often to death. they require special accommodations in surprising ways (e.g., if you scorch a teflon pan with them in the house, it will probably kill them all; most thinking bird owners do not use teflon cookware at all). you can’t get a bird and ignore him without having problems. birds are very independent — in some ways more than cats, though when they want to play they’re typically far friendlier and outgoing. i thought somewhat wistfully how much i would have benefited from having a bird before having a daughter, because there’s a patience i’ve now figured out that i didn’t have with my own kid back when such patience was critical. on the other hand, it’s probably my daughter who taught me, after the fact, to be patient with birds. a bird’s cage, especially, must be understood to be owned by him, in a way not comparable to any other animal i’ve seen. when you own a bird, you must realize that his cage is his place, and never intrude without good reason against his wishes, no matter how subtle. i established a system with my quaker where except for emergency (vet visit, medicine, etc.), he knew i would never reach into his “happy hut” (a fuzzy tent inside his cage) for him. he loved it in there, and it helped him be less possessive of his cage, as long as i respected that it was his home and refuge.

the comparisons to humans are obvious. interacting with this bird taught me the beauty of libertarianism from the government, social engineer side. the more i tried to shape that bird overtly, the more he made sure i was just fucking myself. when i would back off and make everything possible voluntary, we were both happier. i sometimes wonder about the moral death that occurs inside some of these career government jerks. i’ve seen them far too much recently, in courtrooms and police stations (more on that later probably), and most of them have destroyed themselves by trying to control others. they are miserable except with their own kind, and that is a hollow interaction, from my observation. the same applies to many law offices, which benefit from the same tyranny of force.

a quaker parrot, treated well, can live to be over 25, and some other birds go up past 70. they don’t react well to shifts from home to home, so if you’re checking into getting a bird, please look deep inside and ask if you can make the long haul (many small birds tend to longevity of ~5 years and less). these are special, intelligent animals, who will surprise you if you’re not familiar with them. though it was a lot of work and money helping this bird, i had fun, especially having no idea beforehand of what a blast birds can be.

won’t go into all the details, though there are plenty more than this long post even touches. i nursed this bird most of each day, and researched and discussed with long-time bird owners at night. when it was done, the owner had passed him to me, i’d spent hundreds of hours and about $700 on him (mostly vet bills, including surgery), and found him a suitable home up in massachusetts, where he is being treated like royalty (and has a new name). poor guy. he was so miserable when he arrived, and it was rewarding to see him grow happier — a process that has continued with his final owners (“parronts” in the bird world). he is going to stay in that home until he dies or the owners do. i spent well over a month interviewing potential owners, from 5 miles away to seattle, washington, meeting some great people and some very nasty ones too (may be a post or article about that eventually).

we now have 2 healthy cockatiels in the house (not mine), and i visit them every day. if you catch them at the right time, they’re eager to get out of the cage, and their body language shows it; they sorta squirm from side to side, foot to foot, almost like a kid who has to pee. they hop onto my finger and i put one on each shoulder. they sit with me upstairs and chirp and stuff. they’re funny. surprising thing is that you sort of learn to ignore bird poop. easier than you might think to get so comfortable, because it’s generally not smelly.

one of the coolest spiffs to getting into birds was being able to go to a pet store and be comfortable playing with big macaws. i’ve now visited a few places, including one with 4 huge hyacinth macaws (approximately $10,000 each). many of the “lesser” macaws (still big) were out of their cages there. soon i had a couple of them climbing all over, nibbling my ears and stuff. one was especially friendly, and i was tempted to buy him on the spot, though i could never keep one with my need to be away for days on short notice. they were kind enough to bring out a hyacinth macaw and let me play with him. that was a thrill i’d been looking forward to for months. the colors of these birds in person are almost edible. it’s rare to see a pic of a hyacinth macaw that conveys the bright golden yellow and deep blue. they’re heavy birds too, with massive claws that wrap around your forearm. from head to tail they’re probably over 3′. they need big cages because of those tails. even the cockatiels here need some serious room to turn around.

it’s wonderful when you can get comfortable enough with big birds that you can let them gnaw your finger in their powerful beaks. having that quaker parrot for just a short time carried over to big birds nicely. they’re so friendly and upbeat. very curious. i laugh just looking at them. if i happen to be driving by a good pet store now, i usually stop in and talk to some birds. makes me happy. this is my favorite so far. their birds are so cheerful. i met one there who could immediately repeat almost any simple phrase you said. i started laughing, and instantly there was this spookily accurate imitation of my laugh. so i laughed even harder…. you know the rest. just kept getting stranger. a bird talking is very weird. doubt i’ll ever get used to it. you can find videos and recordings online that can entertain for hours. perhaps the strangest is when you hear a bird mimic its owner so well that you can’t tell one from the other. i heard a recording of one bird whose owner had just been very sick a few weeks before. this psycho bird could imitate a hacking cough so closely that you couldn’t tell it wasn’t a human. i was on the floor. he had all of the nuances, including the wheeze and percussive components. then he’d laugh.

there’s much sadness with birds though. the comparative ignorance of the public (v. dogs and cats) leads to many who are neglected and miserable. birds need fairly strict, clean environments and schedules — lots of quiet and dark for sleep. most need at least one hour a day of quality interaction. i easily played with my quaker parrot buddy 3 hours a day. he would nap on my chest (he had sleep problems), or just hang out on a cloth next to my computer monitor, chewing on stuff and playing with toys. oh, the toys — that’s the part that knocked me out. here i am, a 42-year-old dude who never gave a shit about birds, and within 2 weeks i’m going to the pet store eyeing all the new gizmos, perches, and food like the worst stereotypical geek you’d see in a comic film about bird geeks. walked out an hour later with $80 worth of schwag for my buddy. funny how you can be transformed into something you would have laughed (or sneered) at only weeks before. i would leave a video camera in time lapse next to his cage, then analyze his movement later to see what needed to be changed. i’d experiment with perch placement down to the centimeter. this bird was a constant mystery because of his health and mobility problems. but he’s on the right path now, and i hope he lives 20 years more.

okay, so i began this post to talk about bird food. the generally agreed deal with most birds now is that you don’t feed them seeds. seeds for most birds are considered junk food. they’re oily, and much of the seed mix gets wasted, because the normal bird will simply pick out his favorites, leaving the rest buried in hulls, and not much balance. the hurdle with an old school bird diet is that you have to convert your bird to “pellets” — a mix of foods that are usually shaped into homogenous bits that give a wide selection with every bite. after some exceptionally good advice from people at a bird forum, within a few weeks i got this bird shifted over to about a 90% pellet diet. that was some kind of achievement, and i was a proud parront. you start to treat the birds like kids, and most bird freaks just call them “fids” (feathered kids).

anyway, during one vet visit i asked what pellets were recommended, and she handed me a couple of sample packets of harrison’s “high potency fine” pellets and an info brochure. with the bird’s seed mix, i’d often been tempted to take a scoop for myself, because i like stuff like that. but if you check the labels for most bird food, it says it’s not for humans. too dirty. harrison’s is different though, and they encourage you to try it. i did, and quickly became hooked. i love bland stuff like that with very little salt and sugar. quickly ate through one of the small sample bags.

so recently i decided to splurge (expensive) and buy pellets in bulk. well, i’m digging it. i don’t have a bird anymore, but i’ve gone through about 7 pounds of bird food in the last month. heh heh. perfect snack. my favorite is harrison’s high potency coarse. so good and crunchy and bland. can’t think of anything made for humans that comes close.

Tags: massachusetts

Posted 20060305 07:49 under birds, food. Follow responses through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are closed.