table waiting nightmares
spoke to an old friend last year for the first time since the mid 80s. he and i worked at the same restaurant for many years, in high school and college. that was over 20 years ago.
waiting tables was something i was never great at. was usually pretty good from the customer’s point of view (and even had regulars who asked for me), but it stressed me out terribly. that kind of thinking just isn’t in my nature. our manager (super cool dude billy powell) would sometimes pick one of us to watch throughout the day. after he watched me the first time, he called me aside and told me what my problems were. and… well, what do you say to somebody who busts you, dead accurately, and all you can do is agree? he was right. i wasn’t cut out for waiting tables. yeah, i coulda fixed it, and it’s not like i was bad for the restaurant (he seemed happy enough for me to work there). just wasn’t a natural.
when i confessed to my friend (dr. smooth) that roughly twice a year i still have nightmares about waiting tables, i was shocked he said it was the same with him. he’s stayed in touch with a few people we worked with, and said we weren’t the only ones having “raleigh-mares” (we worked at the sir walter raleigh inn). made me feel better. i mean, here it is 20 years later, and i remember most of it. in my dreams, i use the correct table numbers. went back and ate at the restaurant a couple of years ago (it’s closed now), and could walk up to every table and immediately say the number. went back to the kitchen, and almost nothing had changed. used to do minor electric repair work for them on the side (e.g., fixing bug zappers, steamers) in exchange for dinners as a real customer (or for my parents). basically lived at that place whenever i wasn’t in school, ’79–’86, and knew it from the darkest cabinet to the attic. so strange when work becomes your home.
wouldn’t even know where to begin describing what a horrible thing waiting tables can be. my nightmares almost always have me “in the weeds” — restaurant lingo for being busy to the point of insanity. backed up. what usually happens is that i’ll be in section two, my standard section. it had eight tables, and when the timing went wrong, it would screw you as well as any waiter could be. so i get one or two tables, and then i get stuck in the kitchen working on some bogus task (weird customer request, or whatever). i hear a rumor that i’m getting sat. i look around the corner, and i have a few more tables, except i can’t get out to get their drink orders. i’m stuck in back. by the time i make it out, it’s too embarrassing to even walk up to the tables. but i do it. they sling their orders at me in a pile, and then the section fills up. only gets worse.
just thinking about it as i type, i’m getting the chills of some strong memories. for a perfectionist, waiting tables in a busy restaurant was a living nightmare. no wonder i still dream about it. don’t know why normal people do though. i always thought they were fine with it.
one other way that restaurant screwed me forever: we had consultants come in and teach us how to do suggestive selling, and exactly how to wait tables for the biggest check and tip. as bogus as the consultant atmosphere was, they did get us on the ball. we were kicking ass in sales contests, for prizes and brag whoring — very competitive (with even a slight air of Glengarry Glen Ross). the problem though is that i have those standards for when i’m in a restaurant now, and they are almost never met (guaranteed 30% minimum tip when they are). the art of waiting tables has been in steady decline for at least 10 years. i have a few theories on this, mostly tied to socialism. have seen too many waiters that just suck. total BS. my new thing is that i walk away, go straight to the manager, and tell him i’m leaving. doesn’t matter if i ordered food or whatever. let them eat it. as soon as i see the usual non-service deal, fuck it. hell, sometimes you’re lucky anymore if you can get the waiter to show up at your table within 3 minutes — even just to say he’ll be with you in a bit. anybody pulling that routine where i worked would have been hammered by everybody, not just management.
one cool thing all the waiters did at this restaurant, even before the consultants arrived, was take orders the same way. all tables bigger than a deuce were canted at an angle. our system was to always begin the order at 11 o’clock (with the back of the restaurant being 12) and go clockwise from there. we’d of course begin with ladies first or whatever, but what we wrote always went in sequence from 11. such a simple system, but how many restaurants do you go to where these people, who do this for a living, need to ask who had what? what a hack routine to repeat with every customer, and a real time waster. with our system, we’d screw up maybe one plate every 200.
we pooled tips, and you either busted ass to keep service high or you caught shit from everybody. we were always taking out orders for other waiters, and it was usually done with speed and quiet perfection. lay down the plates quickly, ask if anybody needs sauce, ketchup, etc., then go hip their waiter that the food went out. why? because callbacks were not an option. those customers got a few bites into their food without the waiter dropping by to check on things, we were ashamed. water glasses? always full. coffee? topped off without asking.
well, i’d better shut up. i could write an article or two on the sorry state of table waiting. and you know what the problem is? people are giving out huge tips for shitty service. i’ve seen it. they feel guilty or something. very few people will tip a bold 7% (for example) after poor service. they’re worried somebody’ll think they’re cheap. and you get these assholes who insist that the standard tip for a waiter is 20%. my ass.
and what’s the reason these economics morons give for 20% standard tipping? inflation! LOL.
hope it didn’t take you more than 5 seconds to figure out why adjusting tip percentages for inflation makes no sense. google it. you won’t believe the results. socialistic tools. and you see the outcome? shitty service, with attitudes of entitlement and a standard of terminal ignore. “the weight of my flesh is my worth.”
seen a radical change, just from 1985.
August 4th, 2006 at 19:50
Maybe people actually leave tips that are 20% because in some states the minimum wage is still $2.13 and if you don’t give money to the person who just gave out food to you and cleaned up after you, and you don’t give at least 15% that person may not even make minimum wage. Not all servers work in fancy restaraunts and get the fortune of taking an 8 table section – you may be their only table… and because you forked over 7% on a twenty dollar ticket because you had some sort of overly high expectation because you ‘remembered’ how things ‘used to be’, you just made that person work for slave labor… want me to break that down for you? That’s 3.30 an hour. Maybe you could take the time to remember that it is hard work being a server. Not to mention the food costs that person may have to cover by you walking out – it’s still a walk out and it’s considered theft in my book. It’s unfortunate people have such bitter outlooks as you do and tip as badly as you do. Any people need an excuse I suppose.
August 5th, 2006 at 06:10
if you don’t give money to the person who just gave out food to you and cleaned up after you, and you don’t give at least 15% that person may not even make minimum wage.
just shut up. you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about. as illegal as it is, federal minimum wage “law” decrees that nobody may make a wage/tip combo lower than $5.15/hr over a given period. so eat me, you fucking typically moronic waiter POS, spouting the usual claptrap of the whining horde.
It’s unfortunate people have such bitter outlooks as you do and tip as badly as you do.
hey, socialist dummkopf: learn to read. nowhere do i claim to be a bad tipper. you made that part up because you’re a non-reading dipshit airhead. example: my latest restaurant meal (couple of days ago) was at a sushi bar. pre-tax bill was $24. i left combined tips of $10 (41%). today i get online and read from some idiot whore that it’s “unfortunate people have such bitter outlooks as you do and tip as badly as you do.”
right. good plan, asshole.
wish there were an island where all the stupid, sorry, socialistic motherfuckers would congregate in isolation. you could all eat each other, as you’re trying to do to your superiors.
October 27th, 2006 at 11:49
Wow, can’t believe I missed this blog entry when it was first posted. Pretty much bang on. And the first anonymous comment goes a long way toward validating much of what you said. Sadly, the kind of thinking (non-thinking?) exhibited by that misguided individual is terribly common these days.
It’s always been a bit of a peeve for me, this notion that “because of inflation” a waiter’s standard tip percentage should also be inflated. Talk about manipulative! While their typical customer is doing well to keep up with inflation, they’re getting raises that handily beat it to the extent that they can brow beat the customers into conformity with that ridiculous idea. So a $100 tab that would’ve gotten a $10 tip for “standard” good service in the bad old days, gets raised to $22.50 (15%) when the bill, because of price inflation, goes to $150 and a whopping $40 (20%) when the tab becomes $200. That’s a 300% increase of wages against a 100% increase in prices. We’re all suckers for allowing ourselves to be conned that way. Extortion is a word that comes to mind.
(Although I consider myself to be generally a fairly independent sort, I admit that I’ve bowed to the pressure to conform on this tipping thing out of both expediency and guilt. Although I’ve been known to leave one cent tips on exceptional occasions, unless the service is atrocious and rude, it’s easier to just leave a “normal” tip than feel compelled to offer an explanation or risk being labeled “cheap” in the absense of such an explanation.)
And by the way, to state what should be obvious, waiters are not unique: there are certainly many others who work hard for little compensation. Maybe we can get our rulers to issue a decree of some sort that will banish that deplorable state of affairs. Nobody should be underpaid, afterall. It just ain’t right!
But it’s even worse. The result is sort of like grade inflation. If the “average” grade is an A or a B, then how can you identify the truly exceptional students? When we pay exhorbitantly for mediocre service, assuming we have finite funds, then to tip for truly exceptional service means that what would have been a reasonably priced dinner turns into a capital expense that must be amortized over several months. Most prudent people will probably not tip enough to make the exceptional performers stand out, so there’s “compression” in the amount of tips. As you’ve pointed out, if the bad waiters get almost as much as the really good ones, then where’s the (financial) incentive to be a star performer?
January 14th, 2008 at 11:56
I have “raleigh-mares” still to this day, a couple of times a year. I actually worked at Sir Walter Raleigh Inn also, right around the same time as you. Damn, those dreams are so real, too!!!!
January 14th, 2008 at 12:59
you’re not sue G from the falls church location, are ya?
January 14th, 2008 at 16:37
Hi, no, Sue B from Mont. Village, although I’m related to the big family who worked at Falls Church (Joe, Mary, etc.) and I worked at Bethesda and Falls Church a few times. I actually worked at SWR 1986 to 1995, so I was probably coming on (during its mid-80s heyday) as you were leaving… I visited Mont. Village on its last night in ’05 –the place looked exactly the same and some of the servers were STILL there!! I have good memories of the place.
January 14th, 2008 at 17:03
oh, hey! yeah, i doubt we ever met, but i worked for years with joe, patrick, and tony, and a year or so with mary. damn — forgot her sister’s name temporarily, though i can remember her. joe was the original mr. cool. he and patrick (at least) were both there when i started in ’79. from talking with my old friend, it sounded like he stayed in touch with the M family. hell, i can still name probably 100 people i worked with. frankly, i’d rather go to a raleigh reunion than one for high school. never fit in at either place, but the raleigh was more fun. just last year i sent my friend a super 8 movie we made there and put a soundtrack to (featuring area manager john “ludicrous!” speaker on outgoing message voiceover). that was a blast. included a scene where 4 guys are up on the roof mooning the camera when a manager (keith R) walks out and sees them for real. classic.
spent a few days in alexandria a couple of months ago, and it was weird driving by beacon mall and not seeing… that building. worked there once or twice. used to be fun visiting other raleighs, though always strange working at one.
January 14th, 2008 at 17:10
elizabeth! (i think)
January 15th, 2008 at 09:31
Patrick guessed you were either Charley H. or Dave H., then I saw you listed as Charley so I told him. He also said he used to tease you about liking jazz. Joe has lived in Myrtle Beach for 20+ years, the rest are in Nova. Yes, you’re right, Elizabeth! Yesterday I googled SWRI and found your post. I also searched on some other people who used to work there. Can’t believe it was so long ago! Pat remembers drinking after work, I guess I do too, when we were cutting tips… It was cool stopping at M.V. a couple of years ago on its last night, other “alumni” were there as well.
January 15th, 2008 at 15:26
patrick the bread artist. one night when i first got there he was having a slow night and decided to place tongs in a hollowed out french bread on the salad bar. some old guy came up and couldn’t figure out what planet he was on, cutting into french bread with a metal interior. i was thinking “lawsuit”. patrick just considered it another night at the raleigh, smiling from the side as the old man processed and i fretted.
laughing out loud thinking back to those days. if i recall correctly, patrick’s also the one who would write “blower cheese” on the blue cheese dressing container. those scummy masking tape magic marker date labels. restaurants are a mess.