the IDIOT

i love keeping a cooler in my car. have stopped going to restaurants with “waiters” (who mostly suck), and rarely do anything but eat meals i prepare with my portable kitchen — two containers of utensils, spices, etc., including perishables most people wrongly assume must or should be chilled once cut into (e.g., tomatoes, onions).

a small cooler with only 10 pounds of ice can keep food fresh for days in the summer. the drawback is the water; if efficiency’s your thing, the water must stay until it hits the 50s. but water tends to ruin some food. today, i may have found the answer, and it is LOCK & LOCK, baby! (more…)

i predict — assuming free people survive the next few decades — radical changes to cold soft drinks, in the form of dynamic ingredient control. (more…)

if the mass of goonited states poltroons can’t stomach hanging these FDA rats — who, among the least of their crimes, fucked up my and many others’ dining for weeks over this tomato bullshit — what about some ol’ fashioned tar and feathering, then running out on a rail? who’s with me?

or how about some of you restaurant and grocery store owners get a testicle transplant and next time tell the FDA to fuck itself? ooooh, FDA and CDC! oooooh! goddamned servile turds appeared to get off hanging those signs. the usual emergency psychosis. batten down the hatches, boys; alphabet soup headed our way. one asshole at a local restaurant put on his worry face when trying to justify why, long after everyone else was again serving tomatoes, his restaurant was still doing the boogah boogah FDA invocation dance o’ tumult. i’ll never walk in that joint again, and i was happy to not be the only customer pissed off at his quivering “status is orange, people; the status is orange” style schtick, only one step removed from “could tell ya; have to kill ya” guy.

of course, the funniest part about all this is the FDA hacks doing their “oh, it’s okay now” assurance, when that was the same position they had at the start of the outbreak. in other words, what the hell do you need these dipshits for? they say it’s okay at the beginning of the outbreak, they say it’s not safe to eat tomatoes when it is, and then you’re supposed to care what they say after that. (more…)

starbucks has plenty of problems, and it’s trendy to piss on the trendy green giant, but since they threw that economics-ignorant “fair trade” coffee on the back burner, i don’t have overriding complaints. starbucks management has also backed me in my endless fight with cops over late night WiFi’ng, telling one complaining cop (who called them the next day pursuing a “loitering” charge or whatever his dumb ass could concoct) that as a paying WiFi customer i was welcome to use their parking lot anytime; the signal’s always on.

anyway… i write this post to praise something starbucks gets right when many others fail: iced tea. (more…)

some food tips i wish i’d known from the start: (more…)

last week i tried car cooking for the first time. bitchin! (more…)

the christmas miracle, a short story by [______]–

mary- hey joe, im preggers
joseph– but, you’re a virgin
mary- oh i know, can you believe it? it’s a christmas miracle!

and so, a two thousand year old religion with over a billion adherents world-wide was born

let us pray. and pass me some o’ dem shrimps. and some swamp chicken.

recently added a new regular meal to my list: veggie burgers. amy’s makes a kickin’ vegan california burger (would link to the specific product, but their site’s messed up right now), and it turns into dining heaven with a good roll, onions, tomato slices, spring mix, plenty of hot sauce, avacado, and pepper. except for the missing grease, which you can fake with olive oil or italian dressing, it tastes surprisingly close to the burger experience i grew up with — not that it needs to to taste good. it has little char pieces or something for texture. me like. you might be surprised by the deliciousness! (more…)

you can walk into a taco bell, order two bean burritos, pile on hot sauce (tres paquetes por burrito es perfecto), and end up stuffed and happy for less than two bucks. vegan? order it fresco style, which also throws in some tasty cilantro.

Looking for lower-fat alternatives at TACO BELL®? You can order anything on our menu “Fresco” Style. When you say “Fresco,” we’ll replace cheese and sauce with our freshly prepared Fiesta Salsa – a zesty mix of diced tomatoes, white onions and cilantro. Fiesta Salsa packs in lots of flavor, but adds only five calories per serving and no fat. So, your TACO BELL favorites become lower in fat.

(more…)

last week i was ordering my usual veggie deal at a subway when the lady behind the counter asked if i were a vegetarian. she recommended i check out a new indian restaurant where she works. today i did. introduced myself to the owner, and told him i’d be happy to help him set up a minimal web presence for free (WTF, i’m retired; what else am i gonna do with my time?). so tonight we’re working on some of the verbiage for his listings, and he uses the word “tandoor”. (more…)

(AP) FOX RIVER GROVE, lll. A vegan middle school teacher who vowed to persuade schools to change their menus is appealing his firing.

Dave Warwak, 44, of Williams Bay, Wisconsin is asking the Illinois State Board of Education to appoint a hearing officer to review his firing from Fox River Grove Middle School.

The teacher was fired after officials complained he had turned his art classes into lectures on veganism,

Warwak had said he would not return to the classroom unless the school served only lunches free of animal products.

Saying that meat would remain on the menu, District 3 school board members voted Sept. 24 to fire him.

(more…)

guess i’m officially a vegan now, since i bought my first avocado at the grocery store yesterday. here’s an easy sandwich i like, taking a break from the usual salad feast:

• thickly sliced crusty bread (italian, artisan whatever)
• tomato
• cucumber (sliced in flats)
• red onion
• field greens
• avocado
• hummus (only cedar’s for me — preferably their “original hommus tahini”)
• italian dressing (just a little mixed with the hummus)
• fresh ground pepper
• italian seasoning

(more…)

i’ve sometimes survived for weeks on little other than pasta and sauce, but even with my very high tolerance for repeated italian meals (same with pizza), i reach a limit. with many foods, that would be the end of it until after a respite. italian food, however, has the added variation of pasta shape and size. astounding how merely changing the shape of an ingredient transforms the meal into something else. (more…)

tonight i was in DC (involuntarily), and decided to check out some pizza joint noted for its vegan pizzas. ordered a marinara pizza with soy cheese and two toppings — artichokes, and onions. each topping was an extra $1.50, on an individual size pizza. no problem; i knew it going in.

[UPDATE: as a new vegan who generally avoids faux animal products and had never sought or eaten soy cheese before this incident, i assumed that experienced vegans touting it as vegan was enough. however, it turns out that most soy cheese is made using animal-derived casein.]

the pizza arrived with a marginally acceptable showing of artichokes, and what summed to a spare 3 or 4 small, thin slices of onion, generally concentrated on about 1/4 of the pizza. i immediately went to the front desk and asked for the manager. he followed me to the table, and i showed him the pizza, reminding him that they charge $1.50 per topping. did he feel that was an adequate appearance from the onion squad?

no, he said, offering to put more on. or he could remove the charge. i said i’d prefer he not charge me for it. i persisted though, as i sometimes do (ha!). as a manager, how did he feel about a pizza being sent out with a few thin rings of onion tossed onto one edge of the pizza, the rest basically left bare?

“well, it’s not ideal, of course, but i must also stand by my employees and say that they always do their best.” (more…)